Three weeks later!

I'm laying in bed with only a t-shirt on, frozen peas on my nuts, and celebrating the fact that I am three weeks post-op today! As much as the change is very incremental, three weeks at least feels like a bit of a mental milestone to reach.

I'm now back at my parents' home for the next recovery stint - my partner headed back to our actual home/farm to get back to work, will be coming here again for a few days around Christmas, and then we're flying home together (I have so much stuff to bring home lol). We drove here last Tuesday which was about a 10 hour drive. The drive itself was pretty fine for me; I reclined the seat a bit, took my Tylenol as scheduled, and stayed very hydrated (perk of having the catheter - my "bladder bag" is like 4x the carrying capacity of the average bladder, so I could drink all the water I wanted without having to stop and pee!). My partner drove the whole way of course - I had to sit pretty low which would make it difficult to reach the steering wheel comfortably, plus it was just too early for me to attempt driving for the first time. The morning before we left I noticed a little blood on the gauze pad over my monsplasty incision, which was the first time I had noticed any blood there. That evolved (or devolved, depending on how you look at it), which I will get into later.

The day after I got back, last Wednesday, a good friend of mine threw me a little "penis party" complete with a funfetti penis-shaped cake and a "Same penis forever" bachelorette party banner. My sister invited a friend over, another friend and my partner joined as well, and I don't think I've laughed that hard in months. We talked about bodies and got goofy and just overall had a sweet time. It was tough to sit up (still very slouchy or on the very edge of my chair which KILLS my ass) but manageable. I'm thankful to be here (in a city) currently rather than at the farm (even though I absolutely miss the farm) because I know more people here and it's so much easier to have a friend come over. I'm also so grateful that my little sister is home from college on her break - she's one of my best friends and I wouldn't generally get to spend so much time with her. 

The end of last week was a little rough. My partner left and the incision on my mons continued to split. It seemed like it was bleeding more each day rather than getting better, which felt alarming to me. It was visibly open for about 1 cm in the middle, and would ooze/drip deep red blood randomly - enough that I was saturating a doubled-up gauze pad 2-3x/day (which isn't that much, in reality, but the incision was completely closed a few days before that and it was pretty stressful). I sent some pictures to my surgeon on Monday because I just wanted her to know, and she prescribed me a 7-day course of Bactrim (antibiotic) just in case - even though nothing looks visibly infected. The good news is that I have pretty much stopped taking Tylenol and Ibuprofen because I haven't needed anything. I'm still taking the bladder spasm meds 2x/day (morning and night), and have usually been taking an Advil PM before bed because I have a hard time falling asleep in general + that's compounded with not being able to sleep on my side, not using much energy during the day, being stressed about healing, etc. I've still had some rough nights where I really can't sleep but I'm trying to give myself a break with that, and recognize that it's really okay if I sleep in more too. I'll get my farmer/educator sleep schedule back when it makes sense.

I don't know if there was a little infection that needed to be cleared up or if I just needed to be a little more patient, but the incision seems to be making progress. It's bleeding less, so I only need to change my gauze 1x/day when I take a shower. The initial separation seems to have stopped bleeding - now there's two smaller parts (one to the right of the initial hole, one on the very left edge) that are going through their own course of opening/bleeding/closing. I feel less stressed about it at this point; when it first started bleeding I was bummed because it felt like I was regressing rather than moving forward. Logically, I know healing isn't linear. But emotionally, I still wish it was? And it felt reaaaally good to see visible progress everyday, so when things seemed like they were backsliding it messed with my head. I stopped taking pictures for a few days because there was (still kinda is) dried blood that would drip from that wound onto everything else and I don't want to scrub that area in the shower. I've since started taking pictures again, though mostly just of my package with the mons incision covered with gauze. One day at a time!

I also had therapy on Monday which was really helpful. I haven't been going to therapy regularly because it hasn't felt necessary in my life right now, but I scheduled three sessions for weeks 3-5 post-op, since I knew that's when I would have the harder time. The first two weeks were almost like a honeymoon period - I was staying in an AirBnB, had tons of time to chat and chill with my partner, and really couldn't do anything else except watch TV, play games, and sleep. At this point I feel much more mobile, but I still can't/shouldn't do much, and that's when things get hard for me. Especially with my incision opening up, I took this past weekend very easy, pretty much stayed on the couch all day. 

Besides the mons incision, things are looking beautiful. I made a before/after picture and it is so incredible to see that side by side. Everything is structured totally differently, and it's exactly how I imagined it looking. I know it's still super early in the healing process, but I already know without a doubt that I made the right decision. I definitely want to feel like I have more of a ball sack, which will happen in stage 2 when I have the "upper scrotoplasty" and implants inserted. 

I had a funeral today which was obviously sad/hard, but I was grateful to be in town for it. I sat on a cushioned church pew for like... 2 hours? And it was pretty much fine! My ass is definitely sore now, but that's just because I have to sit in a weird position to make sure there isn't much pressure on my groin. I also felt like today was a turning point in my walking ability - I can walk normally (not hunched, not hobbling), albeit a little slower than my usual pace. I've also started taking stairs normally rather than getting both feet on one stair at a time. Getting in and out of bed / on and off the couch has continued to get easier, and I think I'm moving more gingerly than I necessarily need to because I'm trying to be extra careful with the bleeding. 

At this point, when I go out I put on my leg bag (well actually my sister helped me put it on - there's a lot to hold in the process and I don't have enough hands!) and then have reverted to wearing the mesh "hospital" underwear (which I actually bought in a 5-pack from Amazon). I had tried wearing my own underwear a few different times and found that they're just loose enough that the friction on my swollen dick was pretty much unbearable. The mesh undies are tight, so they press right up against my junk and don't move around much. I've been taping an extra square of Telfa (non-stick gauze) over my mons incision, sometimes with another square of regular gauze on top if I'm feeling paranoid about bleeding in public. I'll also wear a pad - there's some pinkish/clearish drainage coming from my front hole/scrotum area (no way to pinpoint exactly where) and from the tip of my dick - nothing that warrants gauze but enough that it would be uncomfortable without the pad. When I'm at home I've been cruising commando with basketball shorts - it's by far the most comfortable option. If I'm sitting on the couch I'll still put down one of my Pea Pod pads, but the drainage hasn't been enough to really go through the shorts anyway. At night I'm still sleeping naked (with a mat), which is my normal anyway. The drainage isn't enough to leave a mark on the pad, but I wake up with dried.. blood/drainage/secretions in my butt crack. Fun!

Still showering once per day and it's still a highlight. I love being clean and it's challenging feeling like I always have something coming from somewhere. I'm actually getting kind of used to the smell which is shocking - I'm usually super sensitive to stuff like that, and healing wounds aren't the most lovely of scents. Gauze definitely has a distinct smell. I have also been LOVING my peri-bottle - I always use it in the morning to clean off the dried stuff and start the day feeling relatively fresh. I also use it in the shower so that I can get all of my underneath incisions clean.

I'm really looking forward to swelling on my shaft going down. I can't wait to be able to manipulate my foreskin a little bit and move my dick around freely, without the labia minora tethering it down. I'm also excited for my second post-op appointment next Friday, when I'll do a retrograde urethrogram (RUG) and try peeing out of my new urethra for the first time. I'm quite nervous about this, but hopeful and excited as well. No matter what, I have faith that things will work out - even if I do need some sort of repair surgery. I'll make another update next week at the four week mark, and then something after the post-op! For now, it's past my bedtime.