Right Around the Corner / Reflections

Just like that, I'm less than two weeks away from having metoidioplasty.

Eleven days, to be exact.

I am mostly in awe that it's coming up so soon. I've been waiting for a while to get here, so it's pretty unreal to be so close. I started seriously thinking about bottom surgery during the winter of 2019. I certainly have bottom dysphoria, but it's not something that deeply impacts my daily life - it primarily comes up during sex (both with others and with myself) and when I'm attempting to use the men's locker room. I don't despise my genitals and I don't feel very close to them either. Being on testosterone made a HUGE difference here; bottom growth has been my favorite part of T, hands down. 

It took me a while to justify pursuing a surgery that would simply make me feel better and more connected to my body, rather than alleviate some deep underlying mismatch with my body. Top surgery felt more like the latter - having a chest that I had to bind and didn't allow me to take off my shirt while swimming/running/etc. was emotionally and physically painful. There was no doubt in my mind that I needed to have top surgery, and to this day I believe it was the kindest thing I've done for myself. I had a major complication (huge rapidly-developing hematoma on my right side) that led to them re-opening the incision on that side at 10 days post-op (and it was New Years Day! First surgery of the year at the U of M, baby!). That meant having a drain again, having the side effects from anesthesia again, starting basically at recovery-day-zero again. It was brutal. I was incredibly depressed and beyond frustrated about having a complication. I was also 19 and knew very little about myself. That experience turned me off from surgery thoughts for a long time, and it wasn't until I worked through more of that trauma that I was able to begin thinking about bottom surgery.

But when I opened that door for myself, there was no going back.

I was enamored with the idea of metoidioplasty from the first time I heard about it. Especially after being on T, I love my bottom growth and my ability to get hard when I'm turned on. I think small dicks are super hot. Plus, when I told my dad I was pursuing this type of bottom surgery and that I would have a "pretty small penis" in the end, he candidly said, "Welcome to the family!". I come from a long line of short men and am deeply unashamed about having a little cock. Honestly, I think I prefer it for myself, especially since I'm quite short myself. For what it's worth, I think phalloplasty is a fucking magical and amazing procedure, and am not writing off the idea of looking into it sometime way in the future. For now, meta meets all my needs.

I've also always known that I didn't want a vaginectomy (which I will be shortening to vnectomy from here on out because I prefer it!). I don't have any dysphoria about having internal genitals, I just need more visual input and pliability from my external genitalia as well (hence my desire for meta and scrotoplasty). I'm also interested in carrying children, and that has been an important part of my decision-making process. 

As far as urethral lengthening goes, I went back and forth on this for a long time. I don't mind sitting to pee, but I do often wish I was able to stand. I can also see that being something that is increasingly important to me as I get older and navigate the world more as someone who is perceived as a man. The trick with UL is that if you don't do it right off the bat, most surgeons (in fact all surgeons that I've talked to) are not able to do it somewhere down the line because the necessary tissue has already been excised. This factor alone is enough to make the decision for me. I am nervous about pursuing UL (catheter, complications, buccal graft, learning how to pee?) but it feels right. 

So here I am! After thinking about bottom surgery intensely (and having way too much time alone on my computer while I was "working from home" during the very beginning of COVID) for several months I reached out to my current therapist and a previous therapist to get my letters for surgery. From there I set up my consults, waited, waited, and finally scheduled a date for surgery. When I first started my countdown I was over 100 days from surgery. Now it's almost here!

I feel quite ready in general. I'm all set with paid medical leave, my travel and lodging are secured, insurance gave me the thumbs up, and (most of) my pre-op labs game back great. I had a "mixed growth culture likely contaminated" on my first urinalysis culture (which I'm attributing to the topical estrogen cream that was prescribed by my surgeon?? If I took it the day before some would always come out when I peed the next day???) so I redid that. I have three more days of work and then a few more days of winterizing my house/property, packing, thinking, etc. And then my partner and I are off!

I think sometime later this coming week I'll make a post about the supplies that I bought in preparation, and then can make a post in a month about what I actually needed lol. As someone who really needs to feel prepared I had to hold myself back from buying everything that I saw recommended. I'm staying close to town so I know I can always have my partner run out if/when I need something else. 

Feeling good, appropriately nervous, well-supported. Planning to enjoy the week ahead!